Dear Diary,
My best friend knows everything about me, and she knows about every single detail of my high school.
But when I met him, I didn’t tell my best friend. When we began talking, I didn’t tell her. And I certainly didn’t tell her when we ended things. I didn’t tell her anything about him. And I felt horrible for not sharing something big like this with her, but there was something about him that I wanted to keep for myself only. Something magical that only I had the chance to experience, and I wanted to keep him for myself.
For all I know, he must have already been with someone. Cause I refuse to believe the fact that someone as beautiful as him had only reserved himself for me.
I didn’t care, though. I should have.
Now that I look back at the time, I think I should’ve asked him if he was seeing someone else too. But I was too clouded by our moments to focus on these things. And honestly, I never felt like I was with someone who was dating some other girl too. He was always genuine and considerate about his feelings. He made me feel all sorts of emotions in one go. Even short texts from him made me smile naturally. We never met, though. I don’t even know his full name, nor do I know how he looks.
And what started out as a random conversation led to an unspoken bond that I didn’t realize I needed.
I have never fallen in love, and I can’t say I fell in love with him. But I would’ve, if he stayed any longer, though.
But I did fall in love with our moments. Moments in which he intently listened to me rant about my day and sometimes gave me bits of advice but mostly would just listen. I never realized how much I needed someone to listen to me until he. I have always been a good listener to my friends and family, and I love helping them, but I didn’t realize I, too, needed a shoulder to lean on. I, too, had things on my mind. And I, too, wanted someone to just listen to me.
Don’t be mistaken, my friends are great and would always listen to me when I ask them to. But with him, everything was easy. Our conversations were easy, and I was never required to keep the talks going, and it was very normal with us.
Sometimes when I would feel low, he would tell me certain things to do. Things that would build up my self-esteem, help me get my confidence back, or simply would make me love myself. When I look back at the time, I don’t remember any points when he comforted me himself. It was always me doing things for myself. I needed to figure out how to deal with pain on my own, and I had to learn how to handle it. And he was guiding me through this all. He never wanted me to depend on him or on anyone else, for that matter. He just somehow wanted me to love myself, to make me fix my own broken pieces and not wait for someone else to do it for me.
I still haven’t fixed myself, and my pieces are still broken. But he has given me hope that I can help myself out, and I don’t need anyone else to do that for me. I know it’s a long process, but I’m sure I’ll be able to heal one day.
I can’t say I had fallen in love with him. But I would have. I would have fallen head over heels for someone I had never met. Only if I had stayed any longer. I knew him and I were a fantasy. We weren’t real. We were two people lost in the bubble of happiness that formed when we hit the water.
Sometimes when I’m alone, I wonder what he must be doing. I know people say that if you remember someone only when you’re alone, it’s not good. But when you’re alone, you’ve so many things to think of, but your mind only chooses to think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if I’ll ever see him. All good things must come to an end, I suppose.
I knew things would end sooner or later, but I was hoping it would be later. Though I kinda knew from the start that we would eventually end. Everything was intense between us, and we weren’t meant to be forever. We were just a tiny chapter in each other lives. A chapter that will always be my favourite. His too, I wish.
It wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows with us. We had our fair share of arguments that turned into fights, and we didn’t text each other for days. But somehow, we still found our way back to each other. It was as if we knew that we were bound to be together. It was a matter of when with us, not if.
One day, we had an argument. He literally scolded me, and I told him I didn’t like my body much. And he said, “You don’t get to say those things about yourself.” Well, frankly, it was my body, so I could say anything I wanted but he didn’t like my perspective and went on and said things like this.
“You haven’t earned the right to say this to yourself when you’ve done absolutely nothing except moping about how pathetic you look. This isn’t some fairy tale, where one day you’ll naturally get everything you want. This is real life. And you’ve to bust your ass for the things you want. You have to decide if you can love your body or want to change it. If you’re going to change, then better start going to the gym.”
I rubbed my thumb against the scars on my wrist. The reminders of when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. But thanks to someone, this time I just smiled when I saw them because I knew I had no feelings to do it again. To hurt myself again.
I knew from the starting that we’d never be friends, and what we had was more than friendship and less than an actual relationship. It had the potential, though, and we both could grow into something much more. But we chose not to. It was all because of the choice we made.
To be continued…
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