October

I sometimes think back on the day I met Karev and wonder, had we not made eye contact, would my life still ended the same? Was it my destiny from the beginning to suffer like this? Or is this a result of poor choices rather than fate?

Life is all about choices. At each stage, phase and day, we are offered options, and whatever we choose becomes our destiny. And out of all the terrible things that might have made my life a little bit bearable, I choose to fall in love with Karev Smith, who most likely never even liked me.

And even though I’m writing in the middle of the night, I have no idea what is going through my head since the words are coming directly from the center of my gut, tearing through flesh and bone as they break free. Ugly and honest and bloody and a little bit terrifying, but completely exposed. Maybe that’s what my love for him was.

Starting with the first day of my university, and before it’s over and I go back to bed completely satisfied with how it turned out, I find myself smiling like crazy over my phone at 2 in the morning. I always knew I was attractive, but the possibility of getting any attention from the boys on my very first day was very slight, given the prospect of the possibility that I spent the whole day only with my crowd and not interacting with other batch mates. And for the record, I had no interest in any of the boys in my group as the girls had already liked someone or the other. Still, I somehow find Karev completely intrigued by me. And my friend Jules really pissed over me. Jules being all over Karev wasn’t something new to me. I always knew she liked him, and he didn’t.

It’s been months since that day, and it’s difficult to recall every detail, but I do remember being drawn to him in those first few moments in a way I’d never been drawn to a man.

I met him in the hallway on my way to the first class at 9:30 in the morning. He introduced himself, and I was standing there dumbfounded. He was different from how Jules and others had described him. I held eye contact with him, wondering if he was actually real. He was shy in person and smart and really good-looking. And from how he went out with Jules on a date but afterward turned down her advances, I had grown a fair share of hatred towards him.

Except in that moment, everything I had presumably regarded him as went out of the window, and I just thought he was very decent. However, Jules liked Karev, so there wasn’t much I could make of him, but I wasn’t immune to his charms. I still didn’t pay much attention to him until night when he texted about how beautiful I was on the group chat. I giggled and blushed, only I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. It was a simple text, yet it felt cute.

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could try to convince myself that I didn’t have a serious crush on that boy. I guess I could say that I liked him a little. I want to believe he liked me in those first few days too. Maybe not entirely, but it almost made me believe I was likable.

We couldn’t be more different, though, for example, he doesn’t like soda or any soft drinks for that matter, not even ice cream. He detests chinese food in particular, and I probably shouldn’t say this, but he consumes three times as much food as someone his size. Not to mention how annoyingly productive Karev is with his time. He goes to the gym, studies, tutors, and makes music. We get along quite great despite the fact that I am a sloth and don’t do anything of the kind.

I remember how once Karev said to me, “I think I am the most uninteresting person, you know? Why would anyone ever want to know me? ” I tried telling him how wrong he is, but Karev doesn’t really like changing his opinions, especially about himself. He believed his life was dull. But I knew him and wanted him to tell him how no one’s really uninteresting. Everyone has got a story to tell. And I knew, as a matter of fact, Karev was far from uninteresting. He has faced many difficulties, which have made him close off as a person. He longs for steadiness in his life now. Despite I know, he would never be an uninteresting person to me.

I got to know a little more about him every time we talked. There were so many layers to him that I didn’t think I would have ever gotten bored of him. If there’s any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt to understand someone. I wanted to know him so bad, to make him feel he was not alone in this world. Karev’s world was so dark and isolated. It was like he didn’t know how to let someone in. No one is flawless in this world, and I would’ve surely kissed his flaws if he had let me. I don’t know what it was between us. Was it love or my undesirable fascination with him? I only knew it was unconditional. Unconditional to the core. Unconditional to the length, that made me hope that he might as well start evolving with the outer world. Whatever it was, I knew it wasn’t enough for him.

After knowing him, it was as if I’d been standing on the edge of a cliff my whole life, and finally, after meeting Karev, I felt confident enough to jump. Because for the very first time in my life, I felt confident that I wouldn’t fall. I would keep flying. Only I had no idea that I would’ve to fly alone. Looking back, I realize how crazy it is that I fell for him so fast. But when a person finds someone who makes all the negativity in their lives disappear, it’s hard not to feed off that person. I wanted to feed off Karev in order to keep my soul alive.

Imagine all the people you meet in your life. There are so many. They come in like waves, trickling in and out with the tide. Some waves are much bigger and make more of an impact than others. Sometimes the waves bring with them things from deep in the bottom of the sea, and they leave those things tossed on the shore. Imprints against the grains of sand prove the waves had once been there, long after the tide recedes. That was what Karev was to me. He was the biggest wave that I’d ever come across. And he brought so much with him that his impressions would always be there, even when the tide rolled out.

I wanted Karev to grab my heels in one hand and mine in the other, and we ran down the street, laughing in the dark, out of breath, when we finally stopped. That was the kind of love I’ve always wanted, but knowing Karev, I would have been happy with whatever he offered.

Karev never led me on or anything. I have always been brutally honest with myself, and no matter what anyone says, I don’t think he ever wanted to date me. I just fell for him when I shouldn’t have. At one point in time, I even started considering myself a psychopath. I googled the exact definition and scrolled through every personality trait. Pathological liar, cunning and manipulative, lack of remorse or guilt, callousness and lack of empathy, shallow emotional response. Not all of this was true, though.

We all decided to go to the movies or hang out in a place different from our university. Karev didn’t want to come, but everyone, including me, practically bullied him into it. I was happy that he came with us. I thought we all would have a great time together. Except I was wrong. Wrong in so many ways. Karev had to leave early because he had some work to do at home. And he didn’t have fun that day. I think he only came because I was about to throw a fit in the morning. He was leaving, and no matter how much I wanted to accompany him, I didn’t. I knew he wanted space. He was exhausted from all the socializing and probably just wanted to be left alone. I regretted making him come with us. And I felt awful for him.

If an attraction is present between two people, those two people can only be one of two things. Involved or not involved. There is no in-between. And since he was obviously not interested in me, I kept my thoughts to myself and never pestered him to hang out with us if he didn’t want to.

Karev reminded me of the bleak sunlight on a wintery afternoon – warm and peaceful. It was like October month to me. Everything was as easy and effortless as a casual conversation between two people who knew each other inside out. Except I never really got the chance to know him.

There were days when I would keep wondering how to make Karev fall for me. Jules and I were always talking about feelings, but after a period of time, I realized it was hurting me a lot more than it should, so I began hanging out more with Rue, one of my close friends in university. Rue made me talk less about my feelings, but she would always be considerate whenever I did. We always had fun together, and I love her so much for that. I think about how sometimes, no matter how convinced you are that your life will turn out a certain way, all that certainty can be washed away with a simple change in tide.

In the end, a series of events followed, and I realized how I gotta stay rational and be just friends with Karev. However, if that all was happening, I wouldn’t be here wondering what would’ve happened if I hadn’t met Karev at all. At times I feel like I am being insanely obsessed with him and should just start dating someone new, but that isn’t happening either.

I tried going out with Adams, a random boy I approached at the start of the year but never actually went out with him. He asked me out on a date, and I agreed, despite my mind saying things to me. Surprisingly the date was good, and I had fun. Adams was everything a girl could ask for in a boy. He was intelligent and charming and quite smitten by me. He called every day like a good boyfriend, asked about my day, and was good to me. I could write about Adams a lot more than I could. Our time together was perfect. There wasn’t any drama between Adams and me. Hardly any arguments. No tragedies to write about, basically. Just two months of saccharine love and adoration between the two of us. He was taken by me. Addicted, honestly. I wasn’t used to this, though. I felt suffocated. Being suffocated by a guy who was down for me. All my life, I thought I wanted this. Until I realized it was too late. Somewhere along the road, my feelings got so buried that I couldn’t find it in me to feel them anymore.

It was like the sun froze and darkened my life; no matter how hard I tried, the rays couldn’t reach me after that. My real world had gone so dark that I didn’t want to live in it anymore. It’s why I escape from it and spend the nights writing about a world darker than the one I live in. However, I knew Karev’s world was darker than mine. And I wish someone brought light into his darkness, and I want to be that light so he’ll never be lost in the shadows of his past, but I will be happy with whoever Karev chooses to be his light.

I want a love that the month of October brings: rustic leaves of fall, the seasonal flowers that bloom, and the winter that sets in amidst the long-gone tenuous months of the year. October is like settling into the warmth of your home that’s gonna cusp around you as winters begin and then suddenly get that cold blow that makes your teeth chatter.

It might look like a silly one-sided love story to me tomorrow, but today, now, at this moment, I know it feels a lot more than it. It hurts and makes me happier than I have ever been. And for now, I want to hold onto him, his memories, and parts of him because he gave me so much. I wish someday he’s staring down at me with those deep yet considerate eyes and lashes so black that I will taste charcoal when I kiss him.

*plays co2 by Prateek Kuhad in the background*

THE END