“Could you please hurry?” I said to the cabbie. “Sorry ma’am, the road is completely blocked. I can’t do anything. We have to wait.” I sighed. There was nothing else I could do. I guess the meeting would just have to be rescheduled. I should text my PA regarding this.
Looking out the window, I notice a girl whining to her mom about something. As the little girl is about to cry, the father gives her a package, and she instantly hugs her father, while the mother shakes her head a little bit but smiles nonetheless.
“Ma’am, do you mind if I turn on the radio?” The cabbie asks, “No, I don’t mind.” He sets a medium, and a familiar song starts playing. A smile automatically comes up on my face as I recognize the lyrics.
Tu me suis tu me souris dans la nuit tu me seduis
Je sais que tu sais que je ne sais plus qui je suis
I again look out of the window to that happy family and remember how once upon a time I also wanted that. How being in love was the only thing I ever wanted.
I run out of the cafeteria as fast as I can. No, I don’t think I can handle this. This was a mistake. My tears won’t stop. I need to get out of here. I didn’t realize where I was going. And I bump into someone. “Woah!” He grunts. “Sorry,” I mumble, looking down.
“Hey! Where are you running to, cinderella?” He laughs. I ignore and try going past him, but he won’t let me.
I look up at him, and he looks surprised. “Why are you crying!”
“Shit … um, I’m gonna go.” I try running past him this time, but he won’t let me again.
“What’s it? Do you wanna talk about it?” He looks genuinely concerned, but I don’t know how to respond to that. “No, it’s fine!” Though he won’t budge, “No, let’s get out of here. Come on!” He takes my hand and leads me to the back entrance.
We sit in silence for a moment, but now I can’t take it anymore, and I burst into tears. I can’t take this anymore.
“Hey! I’m here. You can talk to me about it.” He is so concerned for someone he doesn’t even know. Though I’ve never been one to vocalize my emotions, that was for a reason. I’ve never been good at speaking about how I felt, so I just cry about it. It’s easier this way. “I can’t!” My voice chokes up a bit.
“Come on. Try me.” He is just so persistent. I sniff, “There’s this guy. I kind of liked him. And I thought he did too.” I look at him to catch the judgment in his eyes, but there aren’t any. He nods for me to go on. “But then, he … um, asked another girl out for a date. And when I confronted him about this, he blew me off. He told me how I could even think of it. And, and-” I feel hot tears prick behind my eyes like tiny searing needles.
The tears form thick in my throat until I can’t hold them in anymore. The sobs that have been building in my chest burst out, ragged and painful. It’s coming down hard enough that I couldn’t pretend that it was only some boy rejecting me and not the fact that I’d again lost my chance at love.
“Hey, it’s his loss, okay? You don’t have to feel bad about it.” He’s trying to comfort me, but he doesn’t know. It is a lot more than just a boy replacing me with someone else, and it’s his words. Something that remains imprinted in my mind for days.
Words, I think, are such unpredictable creatures. No gun, no sword, no army or king will ever be more powerful than a sentence. Swords may cut and kill, but words will stab and stay, burying themselves in our bones to become corpses we carry into the future, all the time digging and failing to rip their skeletons from our flesh.
“No, everyone does that. He’s not the first. You don’t get it. It’s hard.” I try to explain things to him in bits and pieces, sobbing and crying, trying to form words. Except I can’t.
“Take your time, okay.” He says gently.
I take some deep breaths and try to compose myself. But how do I tell him I want a real relationship, and I want someone to love me, and I just wish to love.
Love. Such a simple word with such complex and complicated meanings behind it.
All the movies I’ve watched and all the books I’ve read have all described love the same way-exhilarating and consuming. But for me, love has a totally different meaning.
“Growing up, my parents had the perfect relationship. They went on lunch and dinner dates, ice cream runs, family game nights, and vacations; all the normal things families do. I used to hope I would get to experience that kind of love when I was older, but that never happened. The hope is slowly slipping from my hand and I can’t seem to hold onto that.” I finally start.
“I try to be this cool independent girl who doesn’t need a man, but I want someone to fall back to. I want someone to love me. And no matter what I do, I’m the one who always ends up alone, crying myself to sleep.”
“You don’t find love. It finds you. It’s got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what’s written in the stars.” He says sincerely.
“I know! It’s just, is it just so hard to love me? Why can’t I seem to find love?” I stop and start picking the grasses. I know he’ll wait for me. For when I’m ready to speak. I ponder over my thoughts and try to find something.
The worst part is no one really tells me what my fault is, like please, just tell me, what am I lacking or if I am broken or anything. So I can fix myself, and then maybe, someone would love me too. I am just so sick and tired of constantly trying hard to get nothing in return.
“You know, there are people around here who’re in relationships, doing all the cute things and being happy, but I think most of them don’t even respect it. They cheat, lie, go behind each other’s back, become toxic, and eventually break up. It’s so clear they don’t appreciate it, but they still have it. And then there’s me, who genuinely wants love in her life, but doesn’t have it.” I breathe the words, and I see his eyes are glancing back at me in wonder.
“I understand what you’re feeling. But trust me, you hold a world inside of you, a world full of light and marvels, a world full of magic and miracles. And you feel you’re unlovable, but that’s not true. I believe that you’re going to get the most exciting love than others.” he murmurs.
“You cannot be replaced”, He breaths. “You’re pieces of all the places you’ve been and the people you’ve loved. You’ve been stitched together by song lyrics, book quotes, adventure, late-night conversations, moonlight, and the smell of coffee.”
Je te souris je te nuis je t’aime, je t’aime
Je te detruis je te tiens et tu viens
“I guess your phone’s ringing.” I chuckle a bit, listening to his ringtone.
“Shit!” He looks at the screen then types something. “I gotta go!” He says abruptly. I look up at him standing, but before I can utter any words, he’s gone.
“Ma’am, are you okay?” The cabbie pulled me out of the memory. I didn’t realize I was crying. “Yes, Yes, I’m fine!” I wiped up my face. He didn’t seem convinced. “Do you want me to?” He gestured towards the radio. “No, keep playing the song.”
Je t’aime tant je t’aime tant pourtant
Je t’aime tant, je t’aime tant
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. The song is soothing. I could feel him almost sitting beside me. Like he is close to me. I open my eyes, and he is here. He is sitting right here. I try to touch him, but the next moment, he vanishes amidst the air. Suddenly I’m alone. All by myself. Like I was all those years ago.
“You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details.” I saw this quote in one of the movies, and it’s been my favourite ever since. He told me how I was irreplaceable, but it’s not true. I think I’m still in love with him. Even after all these years, I still love him. And no matter how much I try to find someone who loves me, he cannot be replaced, and I can never love someone like I love him.
“Hey! Umm, take the next right turn. Please” The cabbie looks anxious, but this is what I want. This time I decide to take matters into my hand. And I finally decide to find him.
THE END
Leave a Reply