Being Alive

Nashville, Tennessee

“You still haven’t told me what made you move down here from British Columbia?”

Lexi’s panting voice said from behind, “Grayson, I told you about my mother a few days ago. How can you forget that?” Oh, I remember her telling me that her mother left her and her dad a year ago. Lexi was never close to her mother so, she got over her quickly, but her father was shattered. Despite her mother’s irrational behavior, he loved her, and after a point of time, he decided to move states.

“Gray! Gray! Come here! There’s so much water here!” Lexi’s high-pitched voice startled me. I ran towards her and saw a fresh river stream in between these woods. “You silly girl, this is called a small stream, not so much water!”

“Don’t act like you know everything. You are just an eight-year-old boy!” Lexi rebukes. My god, she gets worked up so easily.

“I know, but I am still two years older than you.” I tease her a bit more. She ponders over this for a while, and I wonder what her little brain is thinking. “Then you can be my best friend and teach me everything. Will you be my best friend?”

Well, I have never befriended a girl earlier, but when I see her bright smile fading a little bit, I take her hand and run towards the stream. “Yes, Lexi, we are best friends, and this is our spot now, the sky, the woods, the stream, everything is ours!”

Lexi is laughing so hard as we run near the stream, “Okay, Gray, leave my hand now.” I instantly leave, and she goes running in the stream, “Come on, Gray, let’s play in the water.”

“No! Don’t even think about it, if you spoiled your dress, your dad would scold us” And just like that, I ran towards my new best friend.

Nine years later

“It is all your fault, Gray!” Lexi’s tugged the hand she had a death grip on. “No! You knew that he was the one who put those gums in your hair a week ago, and you wanted me to walk away from him? Without a damn fight? Are you kidding me, Lexi?” I am mad right now, and she is pissing me off more. “Okay, chill-relax, Grayson! You broke his nose, leave him now and show me your hand!”

My knuckles are bruised, and as usual, Lexi is fixing them. She is rambling about something, but I am not paying attention. I don’t know why Lexi is always so insecure about herself. Although she is perfect in everything, she always pushes herself hard, yet she lets people walk over her like a doormat, I know Lexi doesn’t like making a big fuss about anything, but she should stand up for herself.

Even when I lecture her, she says, “I don’t care about what they do, okay? So let them say whatever they want. But you? You are my best friend, Grayson, and I love you, so stop getting in all these fights for me, please?” And there, just like that, my heart melts.

Nevertheless, I am standing right beside her. No matter what anyone says. She knows I could set the universe on fire, and she’d still be by my side cause not a spark would touch her skin when I am with her.

“Uh, hello?” Lexi’s sweet voice startled me from my thoughts. “Gray, did you not listen to anything I said?” I look at my right hand; my knuckles are all taped up.

“Huh?” I croaked. “God Grayson Williams, I don’t know what to do with you? Fine, tell me you will come to streams right after school, I have so much to tell you, and I have to show you my manuscripts. Hopefully, I get selected as one of our school newsletter’s columnists! I wrote something for you too, and you will love it, I know!”

“Ugh, Lexi, why are you so hyperactive today?” She’s such a loud person. I don’t think she should be considered an introvert.

“Because I know you will love what I have written for you, it’s a poem and a big letter. I was up the whole night yesterday.” “No! Oh My God, I forgot you have football practice today. Leave it then. I will figure it out myself!”

“Lexi-Lexi-Lexi, you know I can always make time for you. Besides, my practice is for two hours only, so that I will come by streams later in the afternoon, and we will figure out your essays. But hey, why don’t you give me the letter and the poem now?” I know this girl. If she were up the whole night for this, she wouldn’t give it to me so quickly. She always does this. Now I will think about it the entire day.

“Nope, you won’t get it unless you come to the streams. The letter and poem are kinds of special. I want to look at you when you read them.” And there she was, out of the locker room, leaving me dazed.

Five hours later

Shit! Shit! Shit! Ugh, the coach kept us back for four or more hours for our next game’s training. I couldn’t even call Lexi in between. It’s evening now, and it’s windy out here. I am damn sure Lexi will chew me out today.

As I reached the stream breathless after running through the woods, Lexi was nowhere to be found. Shit, it’s getting dark. She must have left for home. I checked my phone, and there were no texts or calls from her. She must be super mad then. I will buy her favorite brownies tomorrow and apologize sincerely. Lexi doesn’t know what she means to me.

“Hey, Mom!” “Dad,” I yelled as soon as I arrived home. My mom and dad must have heard from her father how upset she is. And I know my mom. She will tell me how bad I am for not informing Lexi that I will be late. Dad will probably lecture me for letting Lexi walk home alone in this weather.

Only none of the above things happened when I saw my mom because she was sobbing, sitting on the couch with dad, nowhere to be found.

“Mom! What happened?” “Are you okay?” Mom didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me. “Mom, where is dad?” “Tell me what happened?” Then she noticed me through her red, puffy eyes and stained checks and hugged me tightly. How long has she been crying for?

I crouched beside her, panicked, worried, and impatiently waiting for her to stop sobbing. Finally, after some minutes, she said, “Grayson, I am so sorry! Your Dad is at Lexi’s. She is gone, Grayson. Lexi is gone. I am sorry, son.” As soon as she said those, my whole world collapsed.

I couldn’t think of anything. Everything felt like a blur. Mom explains things to me in bits and pieces, sobbing and crying, trying to form words. Except I can’t process anything she’s saying, it’s like my mind isn’t working. Finally, I ran out of the house and towards my jeep, leaving my crying mess of a mother on the cold hard floor. I know I should’ve been holding her right now. Lexi is like a daughter to her. But it’s like my body isn’t connected to my mind anymore. I can’t think of anything except Lexi.

Composing myself after few short minutes, I reach her house. It’s heavy raining by this time. It feels like the sky is crying over our misery. It’s like Lexi is bidding us goodbye, and the signal of her farewell rings in the night sky.

Maybe I already knew what I would find here, but I didn’t want to believe it. Paramedics and cops surrounded her home. The porch was surrounded by neighbors and cops, questioning and examining what had happened.

I don’t know what I expected to see here, but this wasn’t the one, for sure! My thoughts were a mess as I noticed the ambulance in the driveway, and I took the slow dreading steps towards it and stopped. I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t see through the ambulance doors, but I know she’s inside.

And the next moment, I am rushing towards her. Yet I can’t reach her. There’s suddenly a door in front of me. And it’s locked. I am hitting the door as hard as I can. I know Lexi needs me, and I can’t get out of here. My hands are trembling, but I am not giving up.

And then someone else is there, saying something, but I am not listening. Lexi needs me. I am coming-

“Sir” “Sir Please” “Sir, move aside.”

I blink, and the vision is gone. My hands are on the ambulance’s door handle, and I am jigging it frantically. I want to see through the window. I want to look at Lexi one last time. But as knowing her dead face will remain imprinted in my vision for my whole life, I stumble behind. The officers are trying to steady me, and I let them.

I drop to my knees, feeling weak. Hot tears prick behind my eyes like tiny searing needles. I bow my head down and try to hold my pride in masculinity a little longer. What would Lexi have thought about me? The idea overwhelms my body and soul much deeper. And the tears form thick in my throat until I can’t hold them in anymore. The sobs that have been building in my chest burst out, ragged and painful. It’s coming down hard enough that I couldn’t pretend that it was only the rain hitting me and not the fact that I’d lost my best friend.

My thoughts are floating. It’s like being dragged into the sea, the waves are crashing around me, and I’m struggling to breathe. I sink into the depths, and I want to submit to the building pressure. But I don’t want this to be true. I want to disappear into the dark void. I would so easily drown with Lexi. My life is shattered now, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to glue the pieces back together and make it whole again one day.

As the rain falls slower, everything starts to feel a little normal now. My breathing is coming a little easier, my voice a little steadier. The hysterical feeling fades and leaves me with the all too sharp awareness of harsh reality. Lexi was gone from our lives permanently.

Looking over the porch, Lexi’s dad sits on the steps, silently crying and weeping, with my dad giving him support. I can’t imagine what Lexi’s dad must have been going through. His wife left him and never returned. Nobody expected her to. Because people like that. People who don’t want to be found? They’re usually really good at staying lost.

One month later

It doesn’t feel real, it’s been only four weeks since Lexi’s death, but I still don’t know how to think of it. Everything has changed, or maybe nothing has changed. Her father is a total mess, but I know he is trying. He is trying to get his life together for his dead daughter, just like me. Lexi is gone from our lives, and it’s tough to wrap my mind around this.

I went to her bedroom the day of her funeral, searching for her letter and poem that she wrote for me. Lexi’s room was the same as we decorated a while ago. The walls are layered ceiling-to-floor in posters of old rock stars and punk bands, with a few jazz artists thrown in for good measure, signed flyers from local shows, and newspaper clippings from various protests. My Lexi loved old music. I searched everywhere for those but never found them.

Lexi was waiting for me near the stream in the afternoon, and she never went home. As the weather was terrible, her writing manuscripts must have fled here and there, and while running, she fell in the stream. She had a broken ankle and four broken ribs, and she couldn’t swim to the shore.

Damn that wind for blowing her pages. Damn me for not saving her when she was drowning. And damn Lexi for leaving me alone in this world. I’ll never know what she was thinking while taking her last breathes. I will never know what she wrote for me. They are also gone, just like her. I couldn’t tell her how sorry I was for being late that evening and how much I had loved her from the moment she came into my life.

I remember the time we went to a movie and were about to get caught for stealing.

Lexi and I had only seen a handful of movies together so far, but we already worked out our routine, snack-wise. She was more of sour gummy candies, the M&M’s, and Twizzlers kind of girl. Whereas if you simply give me a large buttered & salted popcorn and one diet coke, I’ll be pleased.

As I was about to ask Lexi whether she wanted drinks or not, she grabbed my arm and pointed to a sign resting on one of the shelves and half tucked behind a display of Drive-In T-shirts and mugs. “Look.”

It was a small sign, the kind you put magnetized letters on, the kind I associated with bowling alley snack menus. It had a very cool, vintage look to it, but instead of telling you how much the fries were, read-

LEXI LOVES PEPSI

I snorted and looked at her, “Do you want it?” She smirked, and I knew that we were going to take it towards the end of the movie.

Throughout the movie, we were more interested in making a plan. We had a lot of discussions and arguments about how to take it without being noticed. I even offered to purchase it from the workers, except the area where the sign was placed made it clear it wasn’t up for sale. At one point, the other individuals told us to keep our volumes down because of the avid exchanges Lexi and I were having. Although towards the end of the movie, we had a solid plan.

Twenty minutes left for the movie. We move towards the snack counter. Lexi went to buy some more snacks, and I went towards the two guards roaming near the sign.

“Hey, man!” “Listen,” I asked frantically.

“Is there any problem?” the bulky-looking guard said, and the other scrawny one, alerted, was making his way towards us.

“Guys, a shaggy man in his forties is lying on the floor, shaking and sweating, in the men’s washroom. I tried to stabilize him, but it looks like he’s high and on the verge of death.” It was the most reasonable excuse Lexi, and I thought that would give us some time. And no doubt, both of them panicked ran towards the washroom.

Standing on my tiptoes, I took the sign. It was hell lot large and heavy than I imagined. However, looking at it, the smile automatically came onto my face. Sighing, I grumbled in my breath, “Things we do for our best friends.”

“Hey Gray, are you done?” Lexi came just in time with a huge bag filled with snacks. “Damn it, how much did you buy?” We put the sign in the bag. It was slightly peaking out, though it won’t get noticed.

“Everything almost and put twenty bucks in the donations box. Now hurry up! Let’s go!” My sweet Lexi, always with a kind heart.

And we made our towards the exit. It was kind of hard to avoid the guards near the entrance. They were suspicious. Nevertheless, we talked our way out of it as we exited the mall and walked towards the road for a minute.

But then Lexi and I looked at each other, then at the bag full of snacks where a certain signboard with certain someone’s name was peaking out, and we laughed. And couldn’t stop. There was nothing to laugh about but everything to laugh at. So accordingly, we stole something that belonged to the store, and here in the middle of a road, we were laughing like maniacs.

This was the friendship Lexi and I shared. From partners in crime to being each other cry buddies, we were everything in between.

I gaze out at the glittering stream, the breathtaking sky above it, and think about all the moments I spent with Lexi.

“Lexi,” I whisper out her name like she is the daily dose of oxygen I need for breathing.

She was there for me always. I am sad and angry with myself. I could’ve saved her from drowning. Although nobody knew Lexi more than me, and I know she wouldn’t want me to mull over this. If there is one thing Lexi believed more than anything is living. There is so much beauty in just existing. In being alive. And I don’t want to miss a second.

I still go to bed sad and wake up sad, and it still hurts like hell, but there are moments during the day when it hurts less. Sometimes I can think of Lexi and not want to burst into tears or put my fist through a wall. Sometimes I’m close to happy, and it doesn’t even hurt much. Of course, I’ll never be the way I was before, but maybe that’s okay. Life goes on. I’m going on, even without her. Not every day hurts. Not every breath hurts.

THE END